A Family Divided

 

 Though my family is not a strong bounding one, there was a time when I thought that would all change.  I believed, or wanted to believe, that Dad would come around and invite us all back into his life.  Though he is the reason for the lack of bounding within the family, he is also the only common interest that brings us together.   Each of us are separated in our ways, our beliefs, morals, tolerance and perception.  If we were not family, we would not be friends-though at one time I would like to think we were.  Other than our Dad, we don’t have much to talk about as we don’t share the same interests.   The only kind of bound Gary and I have is our blood and because of that, we’ve stayed together but we are like night and day.  I’m sure Nicole and Phil Jr. would have been the same, a part of me feel they still are though Phil Jr. passed away many years ago.  I don’t think death is ever the cause of separation from the one you bound with, it only means you have to reach deeper inside to feel there presents.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love each of my brothers and sister very much, I just don’t feel connected to them.   Gary with his love for all things technical, Donte with his life’s experience of drugs, living off the streets and the darkness that life as to offer, and Nicole for her flair for bohemian eccentricity as a writer.  As for me, I’m the realist, the idealist and the recluse.  If I were to look through my brother’s eyes, I would describe myself as having a superior complex, very preachy, and fully arrogant.  I’m cold, detached, and don’t have a clue.   That’s the way I feel they see me based upon past conversations we’ve had.  To a degree they are right but that’s only because I’m tired of them using their past as a crutch through life.  I may be wrong, but I get tired of talking to them about our past as if we are still living it.  I’d wish they would let go, move on and be happy.   I hardly ever hear Nicole talk about her father, in fact, I think she would like to live a life separate from anything “Spector” and all Gary, Donte and I are to her is everything “Spector.”   I respect her for that and applaud her for it, if that in fact is the case.  However, I don’t respect her decision to completely ignore us, though I could understand it. 

 As much as I wish they would let go of their past, or at list get a grip on it, I do not want them to let go of the family, and the same goes for Nicole.   I feel I’m the only one who takes the time to read there post, check on them through Facebook, blogs, tweets, or whatever pops up when I Google their names because as much as we are strangers to one another, I very much care about each of them.   Unfortunately, I feel this relationship I have with my siblings only goes one way.  For them, my door is always open but for them to see me differently, they have to let go of the person I once was. I’m no longer the passive, weak and easily manipulated child I once was.   And I understand that we each have a different of opinions about our father and the circumstances, but it would be nice if we gave an effort in finding another common interest than the one we have with the man who separated us.