From Shallow Roots

The way I live my life isn’t the best way, but it’s my way.  And really the only way I know how. I live life as if I shall never see tomorrow, yet I know not when tomorrow will come.  It’s not like living your life as if TODAY is the last day of your life as that would provoke one to do what they wish knowing tomorrow will never come.   Kiss the girl, take a dare, a chance or a risk.  Jump from a plain for the first time, skydive, quit your job and travel.  Whatever it is you fear to do, do it.  However, for me, I live my life as if any day could be my last, like the impeding dome is just around the corner.  I’ve always felt that way while growing up.  When I was young I used to faint.  I didn’t know why, I just black out.  I assumed life would be short for me, that something was wrong.  I also didn’t feel loved or needed and so who cared if I was gone.  Of course years later I learned it was because I was malnourished and often dehydrated.  Nothing that would actually end my life, but as a child, I didn’t know that.  Then as I grew up, I started to get sharp pains in my chest.  Because I couldn’t afford to see a doctor I was left with assumptions, one being that I had a weak hart and any day it could stop.   It was heartburn and nothing more, again not life threating however, I was already conditioned that life could end any day. 

As miserably, gloomy and depressing as this may sound, there are actually benefits.  I don’t hold a grudge.  I’m very tolerant of things.  I enjoy the little things of life and I try not to dwell on the difficulties it offers.  Why waste my time on such things when in the end, it doesn’t even matter.   I’m not going to “kiss the girl” (Frieda would kick my ass) jump out of a plane or quit my job on a count of I will have to live with the consequences of my actions.  However, I am also not going to burn bridges, become a jerk, do something I would regret or be motivated by wealth simply because I may not have a chance to apologies, fix any burnt bridges, undo what I did or spend the money I made.   I pretty much take one day at a time and assume I shall not see the morning. That’s the way I live my life now and how I lived it as a child.  I suppose because of my shallow roots, I’ve never felt really grounded, as if a strong wind could simply blow me away.   Fortunately, I have Frieda to grab hold of me and keep me grounded