Darth Vader allowed me to hate Phil Spector

“You never mean to let me down.   But you do. You know, it’s all well and good to talk about happy endings, but if a person can’t deliver, if he keeps screwing up.  Well, eventually I guess you just have to say Fuck You”    Becca Moody to her father from the show Californication

 

Late into the night Dad would wake me up by unlocking my door. It didn’t matter if it was a school night or not, if he wanted company he got it. He would tell me to be in the hallway or downstairs in a few minutes.  Gary and Donte got the same instructions as well.  I would rush to get dress because Dad was in impatient person. He hated waiting for anyone however, a few minutes to him could be anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour.   In that time, he “suited up” as we patiently waited in the hall or downstairs.

When he first unlocked our doors he would be casually dressed.  Cotton sleeveless, hooded jacket with matching running pants and flip flops, his usual attire when around the house, and of course his cotton light blue bucket hat.  He wore it to conceal his thin hair.  He was very self-conscious of his hair, even around us.   He was self-conscious about a lot of things when it came to the way he looked.  Often he used his hand as a shield to cover his receding hairline while talking to us, hardly making eye contact. He was shy, fragile and awkward but I loved him.  He was my Dad.

As we waited for him, the transformation would take place.  Sometimes I dreaded it because I hated the person he transformed into.  Not all the time, but mostly.  The flip flops were replaced by elevated boots giving him a few more inches to his otherwise small demeanor.  He wore dark jeans and a black jacket along with a vest over a rather colorful shirt and tie.  He also wore shades to hide his peering eyes and of course a weave to conceal his balding head.  As for the accessories he wore one red button that read “BACK TO MONO,” a built buckle with his name “PHIL” spelt out in large lettering, and a bottle of Concord grape Manischewits wine.  It was the bottle of Manischewits wine that determined if I was going to like him or not that night.  Without it, he was cocky, arrogant and fun to be around.  With it, he was loud, violent and evil.   For years I hated this person I called Dad, at least until I saw the whole trilogy of Star Wars.  It was then I decided that “Phil Spector” is a disguises.   A character my father manifested into an image he himself would like to be perceived. A figment of his own imagination that became more developed though embellished stories as the years passed.   Like Darth Vader, there is a kind, gentle and yes balding man underneath the dark, menacing suit and his name is Anakin Skywalker.   My true father’s name is Harvey, he is the one I love but “Phil Spector,” not so much.